KnickerBear Weeps for Humanity, Knicks
Last Monday neighborhood residents were witness to a rare sighting of the locally famous and indigenous/ursine hoops fan, KnickerBear. Standing near the corner of West Street and Greenpoint Ave. crying his hard, marble eyes out with middle fingers raised to the sky, KnickerBear let the north Brooklyn neighborhood know exactly what he thought of it–and of his team’s defense recently getting turned into Swiss cheese by Deron Williams and the rest of the Brooklyn Nets.
Witnesses claim KnickerBear appeared drunk and belligerent, emerging from nearby sports bar, Red Star, and staggering several blocks before uttering a guttural scream deeply evocative of profound, tragic loss, then throwing a bizarre, rant-filled tantrum.
Defiantly living in the past (admittedly, like any Knicks fan), the bear sported a circa 1973 #10 Walt Frazier jersey, a symbol of his now-freakishly inept ball club’s lonesome pair of dusty championships, won over 40 years ago. With the return of Deron Williams’ first step and a resurgent Brook Lopez, NBA experts predict that KnickerBear’s frustration will only mount as his execrable team continues to lose to their rivals across the river, and generally do what the New York Knickerbockers have historically done best: fail, spectacularly and consistently, on the world’s biggest stage.
“F*#% you, Brooklyn Nets fans!” KnickerBear shouted at a trio of bearded area men, en route to an FKA twigs concert at Warsaw.
“What’s he so upset about?” asked Euclide Johnson, one of the group. “Brooklyn has a basketball team? Basketball–that’s the one where you’re allowed to touch it with your hands, right?”
As he stalked off in the direction of the G train, KnickerBear continued to hurl epithets and perform graphic, sexual pantomimes at passerby: “Fuug you guys, theese are jus’ growing pains while Jackson installs the triangle. Yu’ll shee…YOU’ll ALL SEEEE!”