Farewell to Arms…Bitches!

The Diamond was packed and rowdy last night (there was even a television crew) for the much anticipated Ladies vs. Wimpy Guys Arm Wrestling Competition.
“Do you need another dude?” I asked Dave, noticing the long line of not-so-wimpy looking guys waiting to be weighed in. I had begged my friend Miguel to compete, enticing him with cash prices and long gazes into the eyes of ferocious, possibly large, women. Miguel was ready.
“I think I’m good,” Dave said. The event was a success, enough men were willing to sacrifice their egos and possibly lose to (God no!) a woman. At the last minute, there was a drop-out and Miguel payed his $3 entry fee and would be the dark horse of the competition.
I had been training for over 10 weeks, lifting weights, doing chin-ups and practicing my moves at Human@Ease with Dishan, fitness guru, who would also be competing.
Needless to say, I entered the competition knowing I would lose but hoping I wouldn’t lose as pathetically as last time. Watch this video and see what I mean.
At first, I thought the matching wouldn’t be fair, that pound for pound men were too much stronger than women, and it would be quick and sad defeats for the females.
I was gladly mistaken. While there were a few easy knock-outs from both sides, the ladies held their own and kicked major wimpy guy ass!
Match after match, as the brackets got smaller, the bar got more energized.
Dishan and I did pretty good, and by pretty good I mean we didn’t get slayed and held on for a few minutes. My first match was with a dude in an orange prison shirt and a tear drop tattoo under his eye, which I somehow felt was fitting for me, but he wasn’t as tough as he looked.

As each competitor took to the ring, the crowd went wild, screaming and banging on the tables. A few glasses shattered and I looked over to Dave, the laid back bar owner of a normally mellow bar, and he said, “I can’t even deal with that right now!” He was pumped, too!
“Ready… 1, 2, 3… Go!”
Lisa, one of the most promising female competitors, was our pride and joy. We put all of our hopes and dreams into Lisa.
“Lisa, you have to do this” we pepped whipped wimp butt after wimp but, “You have to beat him.”
Lisa was focused.
“Put him in your pocket!” we screamed, “Over the top!”
Dishan got into trainer mode: “Breathe and remember, it’s all in your head. Stay focused and you will win.”
Ultimately, our champ Lisa lost to the the Bonecrusher who was the cockiest and most arrogant contestant of all. He also happened to have the best t-shirt he specially made for the occasion that read: ”
Everyone wanted him to get beat so badly, we booed when he would sit at the table, flexing his muscles and kissing his biceps, but he had moves. He was fast from the start and really powerful and undefeated made it to the final match.
The real surprise was my amigo Don Miguel, who started off with a few easy matches, and advanced quickly along. When he sat down to take on Lisa, to get into the final match, he looked scared. “She is strong!”
But Miguel beat Lisa (she gave him a good fight), and he moved on to the final match with the Bonecrusher after having arm wrestled 3 matches in a row. His little Miguelito arms must have been tired but he gave it his all. He didn’t let the Bonecrusher smack him down, like the Bonecrusher did to all the others, he held on for a long time, wincing in pain, but in the end our Miguel succumbed to the might of the undefeated Bonecrusher much to the disappointment of the crowd.
After the match it was all high fives (after a good bout of hysterical crying). We got to talk to the Champion Bonecrusher after the final match and he explained that his obsession. The Bonecrusher explained that he usually weighs in at 150lb, and a few days before the competition, while eating chicken wings, he realized he needed to quickly drop 5lbs to compete at the 145lb. The day of the competition he starved himself and didn’t drink any water and weighed in just at 145.
He competes any chance he gets, which usually means late night drunken bouts with friends. Over New Year’s he said he broke a guys arm!
“I felt really bad, because he was a nice guy, but I broke someone’s arm! That’s cool.” It’s definitely cool. After all that he was a super nice guy and explained that “someone needs to be the villain, right?”

Photo Credit: Jon Pywell

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