Be afraid, Greenpoint. Be very, very afraid.
Not of Jack Skellington, or Krampus, or even of the holiday sweaters Grandma knitted you, but of …
SANTACON IS COMING TO TOWN. And by town, we mean Greenpoint. And by Greenpoint, we mean your usually sweet, charming neighborhood of peace, calm and puppies. In fact, we recommend that you hide your puppies this Saturday from puking Santas.
SantaCon, years and years ago, used to be this fun, un-Mardi Gras-like thing. When it was still small, we got day drunk, but not wasted, and we spent a long time creating our costumes.
Two years ago, I saw four Santas throw up before 2:00 p.m. on the subway.
The last time I did it was 2007, and though I’d heard of the holy all-consuming lava of puke it had become in recent years, witnessing the vomitorium personally distressed me to the point where I chose to avoid the Lower East Side and East Village during last year’s SantaCon.
So here are the stats. They’re expecting 800 to 1,000 people in McCarren Park at two football fields. The shebang starts at 10:00 a.m.
Somehow, though god and Krampus only know how, these revellers in red will then make their way onto the L train to the East Village.
They have been warned about being nice, not naughty. There are extensive rules listed on the website. This includes the Five F’s: not effing with kids, cops, bar staff, New York City, or SantaCon’s charity mission.
All participants are strongly encouraged to donate 10 dollars online. This year’s beneficiaries are City Harvest, The Ali Forney Center, Materials for the Arts, World Hoop Day, and Dance Parade. SantaCon posted on its website that it has raised over 150,000 dollars for charities in the past three years.
Metro-North has put the kibosh on these 24-hour party Santas, saying there’s to be no drinking, both on trains and in stations, from 9:00 a.m. on December 13 to 9:00 a.m. December 14. The LIRR will be forcing B&T Santas on their trains to put away their Jägermeister from 11:00 p.m. Friday to noon on Sunday.
I personally wish some of that cash went to helping the cleaning crews of New York City magically Mary Poppins tidy up the Vesuvius of eggnog puke. I’d call out sick if I were scheduled to work in Sanitation that day.
So hide your kids, hide your wife, skip your weekend trip to Five Leaves, cancel that East Village brunch, and turn on Elf at home and spend some quality time with Buddy. Or if you’re participating, bring your inhaler and your gas mask, because you’ll need it on the jam-packed L train. The Santas are coming.