Have you ever had one of those mornings you wake up and actually cringe at the thought of your previous evening? I like to keep these mornings few and far between. When they do show up, though, it’s nice to think about all the other worst-case scenarios that offer the friendly reminder, “well at least I’m not that guy.”

Recently, I heard a story about a fellow Greenpointer that has become a comfort on any mortifying morning I might awake to.  As a writer, I consider it my civic duty to impart this story upon you.

For the sake of confidentiality and the hope of this girl finding a male again let’s call her Sarah. It was a first date and Sarah had been set up by friends with a promising  suitor, who we’ll call Matt. Sarah and Matt had a great time together and, true to form as a lady, Sarah exclaimed, “I don’t usually do this” and went home with him. She woke up early in the morning to head to work while Matt was still asleep. His apartment was unusually immaculate: beautiful kitchen, pristine bathroom. Matt was a guy that had his shit together, a far cry from her ex’s floor bed and hot plate.

Sarah started getting ready and used his toilet. (The fact that this girl actually took a shit in this dudes bathroom after a first date is a risky move). The worst possible scenario happened: the toilet wouldn’t flush. This is anyone’s WORST nightmare, especially a chick’s. In an effort not to make a lot of noise trying repeatedly to flush the toilet, Sarah decided to take matters into her own hands- literally. She used a solo cup and FISHED her own shit out of the toilet. She tossed the cup in a plastic baggie and decided she would just throw it away outside when she left and continued getting ready.


When she was finally ready to leave she wrote Matt a nice note with her phone number in hopes of a second date: “I had a really great time last night, let me know when you’re around to hang out again! –Sarah”. Sarah walked out and just as she heard the click of the door behind her.. she realized… THE CUP!!! She had left it next to the note.  There was nothing she could do, the door was locked, Matt was passed out and she had no way of undoing the damage that had been done.

So if you ever wake up wincing and feel that your only recourse is to crawl into a black hole and die, think of this story and know that it will all be ok, relatively speaking.

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  1. Take a pot from the kitchen, fill it up with water, and pour it into the toilet for a “manual” flush. Fishing it out would have been the last thought on my mind.

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