This article made possibly by a donation to our Writer’s Fund by The Skint.

First dates are tough, its your one shot at  convincing another person, temporarily at least, that your nails always look this manicured, your jokes are always this funny and anytime you ever say, “I’m going to the bathroom,” what you’re really saying is, “I only pee and I have never taken a shit in my entire life.”

After going on a few let’s call them…memorable first dates from Tinder,  I’m painfully reminded of the times where I have been the so called “dealbreaker.” Like that time I was so nervous before a date, that I sat at a bar drinking far too many glasses of wine that when we finally met he said, “you should probably go home.” So I think it’s safe to say, I know a botched date when I see one. I was pretty skeptical of Tinder dating so I created my own (very thorough) screening. I would only meet someone in person if:

Their first chat did not include:

1. Words like, “baby, sexy, cutie”
2. Unecessary emoticons
3. Shirtless pics
4. A friend in common that was highly questionable


And this was what ensued…

Date #1

He chose drinks at a swanky spot in the west village. The waiter asked for our orders and my date proceeded to order drinks and dinner – for both of us. Once we finished I asked for the check, anticipating a hefty bill I offered to split it. He checked his front pockets, back pockets… “I totally forgot my wallet.” I cringed looking at the $150 check… god dammiiittttt.

Date #2

He was from Spain and judging by the messages, I was preparing for a potential language barrier. When we met for a drink he greeted me with breath that can only be described as offensive. It was difficult to ignore but I did my best. As he pulled out his credit card to pay for drinks a vibrant metallic condom fell onto the floor. He didn’t even skip a beat, continued on with conversation putting his foot over it. After about 5 minutes he awkwardly bent down picked it up and put it back into his wallet. WHYYYYYYY?! After one beer I said I was heading out. He texted me and through my lack of response I hoped he would get the message.. But each day the texts continued, “Meddy, I was thinking of you and want to see Brooklyn..”, “Meddy, I want to do lunch in Brooklyn”, “Meddy, Im here. I love Brooklyn!” and finally, “Are you alive?”.

Spring has sprung and McCarren Park is looking pretty prime for awkward ice breakers… here are a few that may inspire you:

Location: No Name
Pickup Line: “Sooo, can I ask you a question? Who were your female athlete role models?”

Location: Biking on Norman Ave.
Pickup Line: “Whoaaaa, sweet kickstand… Whats your name?”

Location: Brooklyn Bowl
Pickup Line: “Hey, I’m Tyler but you can call me tonight.”

Location: Five Leaves
Pickup Line: “Did you play sports? Because for a girl, your shoulders are like huge.. No I mean like they’re really huge.”
Response: “Yah, didn’t you know? I’m actually the bouncer here.”

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