Russian Oligarch to build 90 story towers on waterfront

Photo credit: TransGas Energy
Photo credit: TransGas Energy

 

Here we go again Greenpoint.  You know the real estate bubble is sure to burst when a Russian Oil company has snapped up the last bit of waterfront to construct a “St.Petersburg style community on the water”.

The Russian Oil Barron, Piet Roscamenofv, quietly began acquiring the land several months ago after he spotted the few empty lots while taking a private helicopter tour during his annual NYC autumn retreat. Roscamenofv is no stranger to NYC Real Estate having plunked down his money into several high profile buildings throughout the city—including the controversial Time Warner Building where he allegedly owns several floors.

According to RKP Design, the architect firm handling the immense project, Greenpoint is about to get “three interconnected 90 story towers. Each floor will rotate according to the sun’s position to capitalize on the light reflecting off the East River. There will also be several green skyways where residents can experience outdoor living without leaving the premise or putting a foot on the ground.”

A laundry list of other high-end amenities will include high-performance workout rooms on each floor, proper Russian style steam baths, 24karat gold fixtures, and all lobby entrances will be made from the world’s last remaining block of malachite unearthed from a now defunct quarry on the edge of the Siberian plateau.

The massive 90 story project is being hailed “as a triumphant expanse into the Greenpoint landscape. Neighbors from all over will want to see this for themselves. Most won’t be able to afford it, but at least they can admire the splendor of great Russian engineering,” says Roscamenofv.

How will this mini St. Petersburg on the water  fit into Mayor De Blasio’s affordable housing plan? Seems the Russian oil barron has come up with a rather unique approach to raising capital for his project in order to “afford” constructing more modest priced apartments for anyone who is not a gazallionaire.

Roscamenofv has secured the oil rights on two of his property lots and plans to extract the remaining oil (left over from its historical days as an oil refinery) and use it to help secure financing to build the third 90 story tower which will include 6 floors of subterranean affordable housing.

Now I know what you are thinking: Is this man for real?! Well indeed he is and he has a clever way to make the affordable units more cozy—“three inch light wells will be installed in each apartment so residents can get some sun because Vitamin D deficiency is a real concern these days.”

So there you have it, the last link in a wall of towers is finally complete. Only this time instead of implementing poor doors for the 99%, these affordable units are catering to folks who want to live like mole people. Construction is slated to begin in late spring June 2097.

Happy April Fools people!

About Kim M

Kim is a native New Yorker, local activist and writer. When she's not writing books or playing Erin Brockovich with her Save Greenpoint peeps, you will see her whipping around Greenpoint on her bike, chatting it up with folks, and sharing stories about what it is about her hometown that makes life worth living. Follow her on twitter @kimasson or www.kimmassonwrites.com

7 Comments

  1. rich says:

    http://newyorkyimby.com/2015/03/revealed-greenpoint-landing-towers-at-37-and-41-blue-slip.html

    And the real Chitchulu or the monster with poor doors, Russian Oligarchs, and other Mainland Chinese money.

    Reply
  2. Shannon says:

    I totally believed every word of this, and gasped out loud in The Jungle Cafe. I think I need to take a nap…

    Reply
  3. Margot says:

    OOOOH DAMN. You totally got me. I was all up in arms and ready to start a fight and then you got me. Nicely done.

    Reply
  4. Former Russian says:

    From the second paragraph, I knew this was a fake-there is no such Russian name is Piet, and, there are no Russian last names that have the sending -ofv, it’s either -ov, or, those who have escaped the 1917 Revolution purge, changed it to -off. Now, in all seriousness, though, the real waterfront in St.Pete is gorgeous, it’s no wonder that it’s been called the Venice of the North.

    Reply
    • Kim M says:

      Thanks for the etymology lesson, Former Russian! The history behind last names is quite fascinating. Frankly, I was waiting around for a Russian to squeak in a comment and call me out;) I believe Piet originates from the Netherlands. I probably should’ve gone for Boris, lol. And yes, you are right–St. Petersburg’s waterfront is incredibly beautiful especially during those white nights!

      Reply
  5. CJ says:

    Hilarious! You had me until the mole people!

    Reply

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