We're the KYNG condoms of failure

Well, this is embarrassing. Greenpoint took the prize as the neighborhood with the lowest condom use in all of NYC, according to the recently published findings of a 2012 NYC Health Department survey.

When asked the question The last time you had sex, did you or your partner use a condom?, 85.8% of Greenpointers answered “no.” That means a measly 14.2% of us are having responsible sexy time. What is going on here?? I don’t care if it’s 4am and you’re doing it on Manhattan Inn’s bathroom ATM, y’all need to wrap it up.

Ridgewood/Forest Hills came in 2nd place with 20.1% condom use, followed by Northern Staten Island (22.3%) and the Upper West Side (22.6%), which we all know is a center for reckless behavior and sexual debauchery.  The stats for NYC as a whole aren’t impressive either, with only 31.8% of New Yorkers using condoms. And that’s not necessarily because of marriage…41.7% of unmarried New Yorkers didn’t use rubbers the last time they had sex.

So, what’s REALLY going on here? Do New Yorkers need a sex ed talking to? And if so many people aren’t using condoms, why is the birth and abortion rate so low? Maybe more of us are coupling off into monogamous relationships and only use the pill or IUD’s (or other forms of non-condom birth control because we don’t need to worry about STI’s)…but that could just be wishful thinking.  Have we all just become nihilists?


Of course, every other media outlet seems to be referencing GIRLS, for some reason, including Brokelyn (c’mon, guys). Let’s just decide to be non-controversial and blame Lena Dunham. It’s always her fault.

But wait!  After searching the handy heath.gov map, I found something interesting. It appears that Greenpoint is one of the only neighborhoods in the city where there are NO documented places to get NYC condoms.  That’s right,  not one of the 152 Brooklyn condom-carrying locations are in Greenpoint. In Williamsburg, however, there are plenty, including popular watering holes like Union Pool and Redds Tavern.  It’s all very suspicious…is this some kind of conspiracy to prevent Greenpoint residents from using birth control?  There’s no Planned Parenthood in sight either…

This best be fixed before the release of NYC’s brand new super gold large and in charge KYNG condoms (FOR LYFE).

On the flip side, Williamsburg/Greenpoint (they’re lumped together in the study) came in 3rd place with the highest birth rate (20.1 of 1000) after Borough park (28.5)– not a shocker given the large population of Hasidic Jews—and Sunset Park (25.1).

The good news is that 2012 witnessed the lowest birth rate on record in NYC since 1979 (14.8%) and teen birth rates are continuing a steady decline as well, to a new low of 23.6 births per 1000 girls age 15-19. In addition, since 2011, abortions in NYC decreased by 8.6%.  So at least the youth isn’t following the lead of Teen Mom. 

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  1. Who was surveyed? One interpretation of the data can be made based on the following:

    1. Greenpoint has a lot of Polish people living in it.
    2. Polish people tend to be Catholic.
    3. Catholics listen to the Pope.
    4. The Pope doesn’t approve of contraception.
    5. People in Greenpoint don’t use condoms because they’re good Catholics who listen to the Pope, thusly returning these survey numbers.

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