This article made possible by a donation to the Writer’s Fund by Black Rabbit Bar.

The deal breaker. Whether you have been dating for one week or one year the definition of a deal breaker varies from person to person. For some, it may be that moment when he/she farted on your first sleepover, others it may be the ultimate intolerance of perpetual halitosis or, according to urban dictionary, “The act of firmly yet romantically cramming your entire fist into your significant others cornhole… a distant cousin of the shocker.” No matter the specifics, a deal breaker is a deal breaker and its up to each individual to decide what they can live with and what they can live without.

Here are a few of mine:

1. Getting Lanced:
My boss was sick of me having nothing to contribute to Monday morning dating debriefs so she took it upon herself to set me up with her friend – after our date he said he was headed out on a bike trip for a week out west and asked if we could get together when he got back. The next day I received a heartbreaking picture message – him in full on Lance gear…padded bike spandies, helmet, fingerless gloves…I’m now suspicious he doesn’t have any testis either.


2. Bad Texter:
A friend of mine took me to an amazing art exhibit on the opening night at Milk Studios. The artist was an attractive Frenchman who was acquaintances with said friend. A few days later, the artist had asked about me and he wisely slipped him my number. I guess the trouble started when his message contained 5 smiley faces in a two sentence exchange.. and continually referring to me as “Merry”… REPEATEDLY in each message even after correcting him – “Oh, my name is MEDDY.” Nonetheless I moved forward and we decided on a date…until 4am I received the below message (mind you this IS abbreviated):

“Thank you Merry (smiley face) Indeed. lot of things are happening in the same time. and keep happening..very interesting. means a lot. amazing signs. timing being a sign as well, or interpreted as one, if you need a sign (winky face)! ….do I need signs ? sure always, ying yang confidence and doubts…signs, no ? sorry. strong green.. lol…ok i ll keep it !(smiley face) hum. seriously…. for tomorrow…i was thinking… you already attended my show… enough it s too much on me…no? (smiley face) yes…i feel it that way…i totally forgot that talk… finally and overall i would have a great excuse to live right after the talk…”

3. The Bed Wetter:
It’s funny how an old flame can draw you in even after so many years. For me, it was the college jock. Of all the potentials in my life, I’d say I gave this one (hands down the least deserving) the most time of day. Why you ask? I have no idea. He was a soccer player and I’d had a crush on him since sophomore year. After years of back and forth flirtations we finally met up after college. Naturally, I thought it was going to be monumental–Oh how wrong I was.  In the middle of the night I felt something seep through the sheets… “F#*&!!!!!!! You’re pissing!” I then received the response of “No, I’m not–go back to bed”. In retrospect, it wasn’t the piss that bothered me as much as his mortification-turned-dick-headedness. He pointed me to the next cab and I was out the door. Deal breaker.

Please share your deal breakers in the comments section.

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  1. 1. Getting Lanced: That’s actually a cute photo! Set me up with him.

    2. Bad Texter: He got your name wrong — that’s the real dealbreaker. The strange text looks like he kept Siri on for too long.

    No comment on the Bed Wetter.

  2. “hi, my girlfriend and I are on the rocks and want to try an open relationship, and want to ‘branch out'” (as she puts her hand on my leg seductively)…….. gross.

  3. the girl you’re “dating” calling you up five times straight in a row only for you to finally answer and find that she is blackout, belligerently drunk and just wanted to say she “missed me.” true story.

  4. Can’t post my real name, real deal breakers with a real dude living in Greenpoint… I don’t know how he managed it, but he would leave rolled “pellets” of toilet paper on the back of the toilet seat after wiping (yes, I’m serious). Also, he pronounce aloe “A-low”, he pronounced the L in salmon & called focaccia bread “Fa-coat-cha bread”. If you think the pronunciation judgement is harsh, go back and read the first deal breaker I listed.

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