There is a reason that Valentine’s Day ranks as the 11th day of the year when people watch the least amount of porn. It’s because we are trying to get the real thing. Food certainly helps seal the deal.

Here are some guidelines for making a Seal The Deal Valentine’s meal:

Creating the mood:

Do: Look good to feel good. Be comfortable. Put on a clean shirt, fresh underwear, get your nails did, trim your nose hair. Subtlety is key. Little changes raise eyebrows. A new perfume, a tie, a bangs trim. Nothing should scream out! Because screaming is desperate.

Don’t: Go to the extreme. Shocking your partner with an entirely knew look that isn’t you will just make things weird. So put down the hooker boots and fish nets (unless that’s your regular routine) and leave your beard intact (facial and otherwise.) Nothing is more frightening that an entirely new boyfriend that kind of looks like your boyfriend.


Do: Prepare a formal table. A place setting creates a sense of order. It makes you sit up straight, put your napkin on your lap and eat with your mouth shut. Being aware of your manners, even at home, creates good tension and excitement.

Don’t: Use paper towel napkins. Just today.

Do: Traditional. A few tea lights and a simple fresh bouquet.

Don’t: Be creepy with hundreds of candles or cheesy with dozens of rose petals.

Do: Kill the overhead lights and make a good playlist. Music and lighting create instant ambience. Change the bulb to 30watts or string up some white christmas lights. Throw on an old record or a good pandora mix.

Preparing the meal:  

Do: Work for it. If you’re going to be so obvious as to serve the king of aphrodisiac foods: oysters, then you better shuck ’em yourself. Roll up them sleeves, throw a towel over your shoulder and get on it. Careful tiger: blood isn’t sexy.

Don’t: Make your date work for it. While lobster and other shellfish are super succulent, it can be messy and hard work. Nothing is more of a turn-off than battling with a meal. Save all that effort for the bedroom.

Do: Make something sensually appealing, in taste, fragrance and texture. Ask yourself, “What foods put you in the mood?” Think smooth, like a butternut squash soup or tuna tartare. Think fresh and fragrant, like basil or mint. Think rich and saucy, like bordelaise sauce over steak. Think spicy, like hot wings.

Don’t: Make stinky food. Avoid bad breath factors: raw garlic and onions. Avoid the fart factors: beans, broccoli, etc.

Do: Play with your food. Depending on your level of control freakiness, being fed can be sexy and messy, which is why things like figs, strawberries, slivers of cheese and almonds or other nuts can be good foreplay. When he drops a berry in your cleave, you will laugh, and laughing is relaxing.

Don’t: Break out the whip cream and chocolate sauce. It’s just so tacky.

Do: Make a dish you are good at. Bringing your A game means making a meal you can nail every time. This isn’t the time to try that impossible to pronounce french recipe that will leave you second guessing yourself. If the muscle memory is there, use it. A successful meal is a confidence builder.

Don’t: Call your mom for cooking advise.

Do: Spend some extra dough on that nice bottle of wine or craft beer. Know what you are planning to cook and ask for pairing advice.

Don’t: Get shit faced! Sloppy drunk sex can be fun, but the equipment just doesn’t work.

Do: Be sensitive. What foods does your partner just love? Or hate? Be aware of allergies, dietary restrictions, etc. Hives are not sexy.

Don’t: Punch her in the gut with heavy food. Put away the deep fryer and creamy sauces (I won’t go there). Fatty meals, filled with butter or lots of dairy, often result in feeling overly full and tired. Unless you are into making out with a corpse (I’m not judging) stick to lighter fare.

Be sexy and safe, Greenpoint!

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