the abbey

Smashed Dudes Smash Religious Statue In Williamsburg

It’s Sunday. You and your pals had brunch (and a couple-three mimosas) at Nitehawk to catch the 11:45 screening of Jingle All The Way. Schwarzenegger rules. Now there’s a celeb who can successfully transition from superstardom to politics. And after the flick, you continued drinking at Luckydog—well not really continued but just started because those mimosas didn’t really count—in protest of Santacon. Screw those amateurs. Afternoon drinking with NO agenda is where it’s at.

You go out for a smoke and suddenly it’s dark outside. Then after a beer-and-a-shot or two more you and your pals are starving again so you hit up DuMont for some burgers, while devouring a shared mac and cheese and slinging back a few Brooklyn Lagers. On your way to the next bar—you could do Skinny Dennis or maybe The Abbey, but let’s just see where we end up—one of your bros decides it’d be fun to pose for some Insta pics next to some religious church statues. After all, you proclaim, Jesus is the reason for the season!

You and your buds climb up on the display, snap a few pics—and this is where the events in question get pretty hazy. You were in the moment so it’s really hard to say exactly what happened or whose fault it was. But you’re pretty sure it was Sammy who knocked over the statue as he was climbing down from taking a pic. Either way, there was a loud crash, a sense of panic, and definitely time to hightail it over to The Abbey. Holy shit, man. Literally Holy Shit. What a night. What an epic day. Praise.

Needless to say, police are searching for the dudes who knocked over the statue at Our Lady of Consolation Catholic Church (184 Metropolitan Ave.). And while this incident is no Ecce Homo fresco, this was still a pretty botched job. Man up, dudes, it’s time to repent.

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