Have you ever had one of those mornings you wake up and actually cringe at the thought of your previous evening? I like to keep these mornings few and far between. When they do show up, though, it’s nice to think about all the other worst-case scenarios that offer the friendly reminder, “well at least I’m not that guy.”
Recently, I heard a story about a fellow Greenpointer that has become a comfort on any mortifying morning I might awake to. As a writer, I consider it my civic duty to impart this story upon you.
First dates are tough, its your one shot at convincing another person, temporarily at least, that your nails always look this manicured, your jokes are always this funny and anytime you ever say, “I’m going to the bathroom,” what you’re really saying is, “I only pee and I have never taken a shit in my entire life.” Continue reading →
I like to think of myself as a “good dater” – I converse easily (with a wall, if need be), am easy-going, and can survive any awkward situation I’m thrown into (recently, these are becoming my norm). Reflecting upon my dating history, I see a pattern with my date acceptances: I accept because I don’t know how to say no, or I rationalize, “Hey! Even if this doesn’t work out, I will get a new friend out of it!” (I have quickly learned that no, dudes are NOT on Tinder for “friends”). After a few Tinder-induced dates (see previous post), I have begun to ask myself “What AM I looking for in a mate?”
-Someone who doesn’t conveniently forget their wallet on a first date after insisting on dinner and numerous beverages.
-Someone with more of a sense of humor than endless menstruation jokes and movie quotes.
-A college graduate – community college is acceptable.
-Someone who is moderately healthy however not someone who claims, “Monday thru Friday I’m completely grain free – and Saturday and Sunday are my ‘cheat’ days.”
-Someone who does not take sexy selfies – No exceptions.
-Someone who does not use hair gel in a way which mimics Pauly D.
-Someone who does not live with their parents (exceptions include but are not limited to, men whose parents are invalids).
-Someone who does not use the word “Babe” prior to a relationship let alone meeting.
-A man whose pants are looser than mine.
-Someone who enjoys a good whiskey.
-Someone who does not have an ironic sailor and/or tribal tattoo.
-A good dancer…
My thoughts about online dating have been… negative, to say the least. When some of my friends have suggested it, I think I looked at them as though they had just told me [insert the most offensive thing you have ever heard has been to date]. They’re essentially telling me that my relationship potential can be boiled down into a cyber black hole. While many of my friends are in steady relationships, getting engaged, married, buying puppies, and maybe even Prius’, I’m pretty much playing jenga at Spritzenhaus with my brother and his girlfriend every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The loser of every game (me) has to call the “looking for a good time” number on whatever chosen jenga piece. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good jenga game as much as the next person, but seriously… are all of you bearded, flannel wearing men just hiding in some majestic cave somewhere in the depths of Brooklyn? WTF.
So, with that being said, last Sunday (over an enthralling game of jenga) we were discussing the new Tinder dating app that people have been talking about. Essentially a “hot or not”, or as I like to think, an interactive Instagram. Basically you create an incredibly limited profile consisting of four carefully chosen Facebook photos and your age. Then you get an endless deck of male photos in which you swipe Right (Date) or Left (Nope). Each profile also provides any mutual Facebook friends you may have. When you hit “Date” your picture goes to the top of said Hot person’s deck and if they swipe Right – Voilà you are a match. Once you’re a match you can chat – which sort of feels like you’re in 8th grade again chatting on AIM at midnight with your “boyfriend” whom you do not speak to at school. This part gets a little weird, bc it’s like this whole thing is a little… creepy to begin with so, no matter your “ice breaker” the unsaid (or said) message is “I think you’re hot, you think I’m hot — sooo…” I would like to think that in a perfect world your real “match” will have more of a story than “we met on a hot or not app”. However, in Tinder’s defense, what is the first reason you show interest in a stranger? Most probably physical attraction?
“Tinder etiquette” is interesting, like what do you do when you come across your friend? How well do you both know your mutual Facebook friend and will that somehow taint your anonymity? Also, once you are matched is it automatically assumed you are going on a date without even some mindless banter? So, with that being said, I have joined the Tindersphere. I have had one date, and three more lined up, I guess we will see where that takes me.
The deal breaker. Whether you have been dating for one week or one year the definition of a deal breaker varies from person to person. For some, it may be that moment when he/she farted on your first sleepover, others it may be the ultimate intolerance of perpetual halitosis or, according to urban dictionary, “The act of firmly yet romantically cramming your entire fist into your significant others cornhole… a distant cousin of the shocker.” No matter the specifics, a deal breaker is a deal breaker and its up to each individual to decide what they can live with and what they can live without.
Here are a few of mine:
1. Getting Lanced:
My boss was sick of me having nothing to contribute to Monday morning dating debriefs so she took it upon herself to set me up with her friend – after our date he said he was headed out on a bike trip for a week out west and asked if we could get together when he got back. The next day I received a heartbreaking picture message – him in full on Lance gear…padded bike spandies, helmet, fingerless gloves…I’m now suspicious he doesn’t have any testis either.
2. Bad Texter:
A friend of mine took me to an amazing art exhibit on the opening night at Milk Studios. The artist was an attractive Frenchman who was acquaintances with said friend. A few days later, the artist had asked about me and he wisely slipped him my number. I guess the trouble started when his message contained 5 smiley faces in a two sentence exchange.. and continually referring to me as “Merry”… REPEATEDLY in each message even after correcting him – “Oh, my name is MEDDY.” Nonetheless I moved forward and we decided on a date…until 4am I received the below message (mind you this IS abbreviated):
“Thank you Merry (smiley face) Indeed. lot of things are happening in the same time. and keep happening..very interesting. means a lot. amazing signs. timing being a sign as well, or interpreted as one, if you need a sign (winky face)! ….do I need signs ? sure always, ying yang confidence and doubts…signs, no ? sorry. strong green.. lol…ok i ll keep it !(smiley face) hum. seriously…. for tomorrow…i was thinking… you already attended my show… enough it s too much on me…no? (smiley face) yes…i feel it that way…i totally forgot that talk… finally and overall i would have a great excuse to live right after the talk…”
3. The Bed Wetter:
It’s funny how an old flame can draw you in even after so many years. For me, it was the college jock. Of all the potentials in my life, I’d say I gave this one (hands down the least deserving) the most time of day. Why you ask? I have no idea. He was a soccer player and I’d had a crush on him since sophomore year. After years of back and forth flirtations we finally met up after college. Naturally, I thought it was going to be monumental–Oh how wrong I was. In the middle of the night I felt something seep through the sheets… “F#*&!!!!!!! You’re pissing!” I then received the response of “No, I’m not–go back to bed”. In retrospect, it wasn’t the piss that bothered me as much as his mortification-turned-dick-headedness. He pointed me to the next cab and I was out the door. Deal breaker.
Please share your deal breakers in the comments section.
For some reason Valentine’s Day makes everything awkward – the flowers, the chocolate, the “any plans later?” question that becomes impossible to avoid. Somehow plans which on any other given day would be totally normal now insinuate that of all the things I could be doing and all the people I could be seeing I have chosen to spend this one day of love with you and therefore — don’t fuck it up. Single or taken some of you may have met your demise while others may be nursing a chocolate undies hangover.
That being said, here are a few lines from the people still fighting the good fight:
(Attractive girl walks in and orders an espresso, barista asks single or a double she answers single)
Jerid: “So now that we’ve had coffee when can we do dinner?”
Location: The Gutter
Line: “Hey someone farted, lets get out of here…”
Response: “Ew.. Really?”
Line: “Hi. The voices in my head told me to come talk to you.”
Location: Manhattan Inn
Line: “Excuse me, this will only take a minute… I just need a woman’s perspective on something.”
Response: (next morning) “Milk with your coffee?”
I was running in Mccarren Park when all of a sudden a soccer ball flew out of nowhere slamming me in the head. I was knocked nearly unconscious…
I thought it might have been the concussion but the next thing I knew a dude resembling the godlike form of Cristiano Ronaldo was shaking me, “Oh my god! Are you okay?!” As I stood up trying to ignore the reenacted visual on repeat in my mind of how hilarious slash mortifying that fall must have been I sort of stumbled off saying, “totally fine.. totally fine”.
I had almost made it past Five Leaves when I heard someone running up behind me, It was Cristiano’s look alike — “Hey, wow I am so sorry about that! I told my friend to get your attention but I definitely didn’t think he would do it like that, Can I please buy you dinner to make it up to you?” I wanted to blurt out YES! PLEASE! YOU CAN BUY ME DINNER FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY… but instead I casually said, “I guess that’s the least you can do”. We went to Paulie Gee’s and then walked along the Greenpoint Pier, he was perfect…
— SIKE — ok so maybe that didn’t happen. But as a single gal, let me tell you the piece of advice that not only do I hate the most but also what everyone seems so inclined to say, “when you stop looking you will find it”. Ummmm… stop looking?! Until my lady parts turn into a plastic mound made by Matel I’m not just going to “stop looking”. No, I’m gonna turn this god damn Burrough upside down if its the last thing I do…
So, seeing as it’s Valentines Day next week (and this cold weather makes me more cynical than usual) I thought instead of pick up lines, we would share some inspirational, real life local success stories to show us how it’s done. Thank you to everyone who submitted their “how we met” stories! One finalist was chosen to receive a gift certificate to Le Gamin so they can keep that romance alive.
Couple: Andre & Vanessa
Location: Berry St. Rooftop
Their story: Andre was the doorman of Vanessa’s sister’s building on Berry St. July 4, 2008 Vanessa went to her sister’s rooftop party to watch the fireworks. Andre came up to the party due to numerous noise complaints, after much liquid courage Vanessa pulled Andre aside and kissed him. Luckily the feeling was mutual and just three weeks later they were basically living together. They’re first daughter was born 3 years later on July 4th and (ironically?) they are now expecting their second child this year on July 4th…Good work!
Couple: Jackie & Tony
Location: B61 Bus/Iona Bar
Their story: Jackie and Tony initially met on the social network Friendster (what happened to Friendster?). Tony had given Jackie a virtual “wink” and exchanged a few casual messages. One day they were both riding the same bus, Jackie was on the phone but their cyber flirtation lingered. Tony finally sent another message and they had their first date at Iona… they are now married living in Greenpoint.
Couple: Melissa & Ian
Location: One Well
Their story: Melissa moved to Greenpoint from Baltimore in September. After many nights hanging out at One Well, she became good friends with owner, Kerry Jones. Kerry invited Melissa to her New Year’s Eve party, where Melissa met Ian, her to be NYE kiss. The next morning Ian made her the best breakfast over a Kinks record, they have been making breakfast ever since.
And finally our winner — because a gentlemen still exist…
Couple: Mary Ann & Paulie Gee
Location: Jasmines Disco, Bay Ridge
Their story: It was a Friday night in November of 1976, Mary Ann was at Jasmines disco with friends. Paul approached her and said he had seen her on the subway. Mary Ann thought this was just another pick up line but Paul was cute so she continued the conversation. Turns out he wasn’t lying, they both actually took the RR every day to the World Trade Center stop and worked across the street from one another in lower Manhattan. That night being the gentleman Paul is, he took the car service with her all the way to her house even though he lived on the other side of town. 36 years later they’re still together.
Submit your pick up lines and stories to info (at) greenpointers.com. We want to hear how you creep/how you have been creeped on!
Location: Manhattan Ave.
Line: Man walks by and gives one long grunt.
Response: walked away as fast as possible.
Location: Driggs Laundromat
Line: “You’ve gotta feel this sweater. Know what that’s made of? Boyfriend material.”
Location: G train Nassau turnstile
Line: “Giiiiiiiirrrrl. DAMN! How tall you? You real tall, you like six feet?”
Response: “oh umm.. Thanks?”
Man: “Yeah..yeah giiirl you don’t even wanna know what I’d do to those limbs!! Nothin no white boy even knows about!!” (Continues yelling)
Me: “oh my god..” running through the turnstile.
Location: Keg & Lantern
Line: “Hi, I’d like to buy you several drinks.”
Response: “Let’s start with one and see how you do.”
I’ve been noticing a serious lack of ladies divulging any of their own pick up line blunders and/or successes. So ladies let me give you a few tips on how NOT to pick up a dude.
1. Do NOT go out with your brother. Men automatically assume he’s either your brother or your boyfriend and label you as “off limits”.. at least this how you can justify males’ lack of interest each night while wondering if your vagina might one day shrivel up and decay.
2. Do NOT go up to the hot bartender and ask what the best drink is on the menu and then proceed to buy an entire pitcher of it. Also refrain from pouring him a glass and awkwardly lingering.
3. Definitely do NOT tip said bartender 20 dollars. This is just completely unnecessary and you will wake up in the morning wondering why the fuck you did that!
4. Do NOT start writing your number sloppily on a napkin that starts to rip as you’re writing. This will then make him feel obligated to find you something else to write on – shit is NOT cute.
5. Definitely do NOT walk up later to find your number still sitting in the same place you left it, point to it and say “You should DEFINITELY call this number”. PLEASE whatever you do DO NOT DO THAT.
Here are a few of this week’s pick up lines:
(friend of a friend has been annoyingly trying to get my attention all night, totally avoiding him)
Line: “Soooo.. I bet you are REALLY good in bed.”
Response: “I am.” (walks away)
Me: “So can I use your pick up line story for my blog?”
Anonymous: “Only if I can take you for a drink.”
Location: Coffee Shop
(Totally random man goes to touch my nose to which I duck out of the way so he cannot.)
Line: “Hey I really like your nose…What type of white are you?”
Response: “Uhhh.. my ethnicity? Im Russian/English.. what type of black are you?” (man was black).
Man: “The only kind that matters.”
(Im waitressing and a guy is sitting with a bunch of girls when I come over to take their order)
Line: “Hey, I know you, we definitely met before.. how do I know you?”
Me: “Well I work here”
Man: “Ohhh yeahhh. That’s it… yeah, you gave me your number last time I was here but I lost it. Can I get it back?”
Response: I looked at his girlfriends “Your boy here needs to learn a few lines.”
I’d say when I’m not balls deep in “This American Life” or one of the million books I start but rarely finish, I am primarily people watching – MAN watching to be exact. Call me shallow but I’d say my train car of choice is heavily influenced by how many attractive men are riding in it. There is a strict “look but don’t speak” policy on the subway therefore, picking someone up while commuting is either one of two things – highly admirable or highly creepy. So the day I was approached on the G train I was suspicious yet intrigued.