When your children come in from a long day scavenging for food in the irradiated exurbs and ask for a story while the family is gathered around the meager rubbage fire in the gunshot-punctuated evening, what better one to share than the tale of how you and your partner were first brought together by the barely-functioning totalitarian state?
This is the fairytale romance that you live as a member of the audience at Future Mate, a participatory theater experience that sets you in a wonderfully awkward dating event thrown by a comically despotic government organization seeking to unite the few remaining fertile singles of a fractured world. Continue reading →
I am absolutely in love with my girlfriend of two years and our relationship is incredible with one exception, her ex-boyfriend. Currently she communicates with her ex-boyfriend but more importantly she also works with him. While I am completely confident that she is faithful, I know his intentions are not so innocent. I know he has approached her on multiple occasions which makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. I’ve tried to discuss this once or twice but it sometimes only results into an argument. What should I do? I know the more I worry or get irritated, the more damage it does. But in the end it still does bother me. Is it me? Or is it the situation?
Worry and fear are not terribly helpful, but if you feel your concerns are based in some reality, perhaps you might attempt the conversation again with your girlfriend. I would suggest emphasizing that you do not think she has done anything wrong and that this may only be a concern of yours.
I am very in love with my girlfriend of 3 years, but about a years ago her sexual energy plateaued and now I’m lucky if we have sex even once per month. Should I break up with her even though that is my only issue with her? Last time I mentioned her change it resulted in a large fight and her feeling getting upset.
Before you break up with your girlfriend, here are some things to consider. First, it’s totally understandable that mentioning the change in your sex life resulted in a fight. She most likely has a myriad of feelings about the situation. Sex can be a barometer of the overall health of a relationship. But the good news is that with improved communication situations like this can definitely change. Continue reading →
Dating is always tough, but it’s tougher in New York – especially Brooklyn. Now for us single ladies, it’s always a different story. Before I give you my list of ”first date spots,” these are the prerequisites:
a. Incognito status: places where friends / exes do not troll aka I-won’t-bump-into-anyone-I-know. I want to save myself and my um, date, the embarrassment of saying “Uh, yeah. I’m on a date.”
b. Big open spaces: Well, I’ll be ok as long as it has a number of easy exits – especially on a first date. Big windows count. Continue reading →
Have you ever had one of those mornings you wake up and actually cringe at the thought of your previous evening? I like to keep these mornings few and far between. When they do show up, though, it’s nice to think about all the other worst-case scenarios that offer the friendly reminder, “well at least I’m not that guy.”
Recently, I heard a story about a fellow Greenpointer that has become a comfort on any mortifying morning I might awake to. As a writer, I consider it my civic duty to impart this story upon you.
First dates are tough, its your one shot at convincing another person, temporarily at least, that your nails always look this manicured, your jokes are always this funny and anytime you ever say, “I’m going to the bathroom,” what you’re really saying is, “I only pee and I have never taken a shit in my entire life.” Continue reading →
I like to think of myself as a “good dater” – I converse easily (with a wall, if need be), am easy-going, and can survive any awkward situation I’m thrown into (recently, these are becoming my norm). Reflecting upon my dating history, I see a pattern with my date acceptances: I accept because I don’t know how to say no, or I rationalize, “Hey! Even if this doesn’t work out, I will get a new friend out of it!” (I have quickly learned that no, dudes are NOT on Tinder for “friends”). After a few Tinder-induced dates (see previous post), I have begun to ask myself “What AM I looking for in a mate?”
-Someone who doesn’t conveniently forget their wallet on a first date after insisting on dinner and numerous beverages.
-Someone with more of a sense of humor than endless menstruation jokes and movie quotes.
-A college graduate – community college is acceptable.
-Someone who is moderately healthy however not someone who claims, “Monday thru Friday I’m completely grain free – and Saturday and Sunday are my ‘cheat’ days.”
-Someone who does not take sexy selfies – No exceptions.
-Someone who does not use hair gel in a way which mimics Pauly D.
-Someone who does not live with their parents (exceptions include but are not limited to, men whose parents are invalids).
-Someone who does not use the word “Babe” prior to a relationship let alone meeting.
-A man whose pants are looser than mine.
-Someone who enjoys a good whiskey.
-Someone who does not have an ironic sailor and/or tribal tattoo.
-A good dancer…
My thoughts about online dating have been… negative, to say the least. When some of my friends have suggested it, I think I looked at them as though they had just told me [insert the most offensive thing you have ever heard has been to date]. They’re essentially telling me that my relationship potential can be boiled down into a cyber black hole. While many of my friends are in steady relationships, getting engaged, married, buying puppies, and maybe even Prius’, I’m pretty much playing jenga at Spritzenhaus with my brother and his girlfriend every Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The loser of every game (me) has to call the “looking for a good time” number on whatever chosen jenga piece. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good jenga game as much as the next person, but seriously… are all of you bearded, flannel wearing men just hiding in some majestic cave somewhere in the depths of Brooklyn? WTF.
So, with that being said, last Sunday (over an enthralling game of jenga) we were discussing the new Tinder dating app that people have been talking about. Essentially a “hot or not”, or as I like to think, an interactive Instagram. Basically you create an incredibly limited profile consisting of four carefully chosen Facebook photos and your age. Then you get an endless deck of male photos in which you swipe Right (Date) or Left (Nope). Each profile also provides any mutual Facebook friends you may have. When you hit “Date” your picture goes to the top of said Hot person’s deck and if they swipe Right – Voilà you are a match. Once you’re a match you can chat – which sort of feels like you’re in 8th grade again chatting on AIM at midnight with your “boyfriend” whom you do not speak to at school. This part gets a little weird, bc it’s like this whole thing is a little… creepy to begin with so, no matter your “ice breaker” the unsaid (or said) message is “I think you’re hot, you think I’m hot — sooo…” I would like to think that in a perfect world your real “match” will have more of a story than “we met on a hot or not app”. However, in Tinder’s defense, what is the first reason you show interest in a stranger? Most probably physical attraction?
“Tinder etiquette” is interesting, like what do you do when you come across your friend? How well do you both know your mutual Facebook friend and will that somehow taint your anonymity? Also, once you are matched is it automatically assumed you are going on a date without even some mindless banter? So, with that being said, I have joined the Tindersphere. I have had one date, and three more lined up, I guess we will see where that takes me.
The deal breaker. Whether you have been dating for one week or one year the definition of a deal breaker varies from person to person. For some, it may be that moment when he/she farted on your first sleepover, others it may be the ultimate intolerance of perpetual halitosis or, according to urban dictionary, “The act of firmly yet romantically cramming your entire fist into your significant others cornhole… a distant cousin of the shocker.” No matter the specifics, a deal breaker is a deal breaker and its up to each individual to decide what they can live with and what they can live without.
Here are a few of mine:
1. Getting Lanced:
My boss was sick of me having nothing to contribute to Monday morning dating debriefs so she took it upon herself to set me up with her friend – after our date he said he was headed out on a bike trip for a week out west and asked if we could get together when he got back. The next day I received a heartbreaking picture message – him in full on Lance gear…padded bike spandies, helmet, fingerless gloves…I’m now suspicious he doesn’t have any testis either.
2. Bad Texter:
A friend of mine took me to an amazing art exhibit on the opening night at Milk Studios. The artist was an attractive Frenchman who was acquaintances with said friend. A few days later, the artist had asked about me and he wisely slipped him my number. I guess the trouble started when his message contained 5 smiley faces in a two sentence exchange.. and continually referring to me as “Merry”… REPEATEDLY in each message even after correcting him – “Oh, my name is MEDDY.” Nonetheless I moved forward and we decided on a date…until 4am I received the below message (mind you this IS abbreviated):
“Thank you Merry (smiley face) Indeed. lot of things are happening in the same time. and keep happening..very interesting. means a lot. amazing signs. timing being a sign as well, or interpreted as one, if you need a sign (winky face)! ….do I need signs ? sure always, ying yang confidence and doubts…signs, no ? sorry. strong green.. lol…ok i ll keep it !(smiley face) hum. seriously…. for tomorrow…i was thinking… you already attended my show… enough it s too much on me…no? (smiley face) yes…i feel it that way…i totally forgot that talk… finally and overall i would have a great excuse to live right after the talk…”
3. The Bed Wetter:
It’s funny how an old flame can draw you in even after so many years. For me, it was the college jock. Of all the potentials in my life, I’d say I gave this one (hands down the least deserving) the most time of day. Why you ask? I have no idea. He was a soccer player and I’d had a crush on him since sophomore year. After years of back and forth flirtations we finally met up after college. Naturally, I thought it was going to be monumental–Oh how wrong I was. In the middle of the night I felt something seep through the sheets… “F#*&!!!!!!! You’re pissing!” I then received the response of “No, I’m not–go back to bed”. In retrospect, it wasn’t the piss that bothered me as much as his mortification-turned-dick-headedness. He pointed me to the next cab and I was out the door. Deal breaker.
Please share your deal breakers in the comments section.
For some reason Valentine’s Day makes everything awkward – the flowers, the chocolate, the “any plans later?” question that becomes impossible to avoid. Somehow plans which on any other given day would be totally normal now insinuate that of all the things I could be doing and all the people I could be seeing I have chosen to spend this one day of love with you and therefore — don’t fuck it up. Single or taken some of you may have met your demise while others may be nursing a chocolate undies hangover.
That being said, here are a few lines from the people still fighting the good fight:
(Attractive girl walks in and orders an espresso, barista asks single or a double she answers single)
Jerid: “So now that we’ve had coffee when can we do dinner?”
Location: The Gutter
Line: “Hey someone farted, lets get out of here…”
Response: “Ew.. Really?”
Line: “Hi. The voices in my head told me to come talk to you.”
Location: Manhattan Inn
Line: “Excuse me, this will only take a minute… I just need a woman’s perspective on something.”
Response: (next morning) “Milk with your coffee?”