Christmas trees are so dramatic and vain. Cut me down and put all these lights and ornaments on me so everyone oohs and aahs when they see me! And your stupid cats want to get up all in me, but they can’t – what losers. Adorn me with all those fancy presents and make sure you water me four times per day. When you leave – turn the lights off or I might burn down your entire house. After all that, chip me and leave me for compost! But you can’t get rid of me, because I’m going to leave sharp needles all around your house that will cut your toes all summer. Merry Christmas!