It’s Official: Greenpoint Is (Cardinally) Directionally Challenged

Another year, another completely made-up neighborhood acronym. Except this year, the city is calling it official in Greenpoint.

Following a series of closed-door negotiations with residential developers, Mayor de Blasio has designated the area north of Greenpoint Avenue as “North Greenpoint,” or “NoGre” (rhymes with “ogre”). As such, the area bordered by Greenpoint Avenue, North 12th Street, and the BQE will heretoforth be known as South Greenpoint, or “SoGre.”

“Different as our lives are, we are bound together by an invisible thread,” said de Blasio at an impromptu press briefing at McGolrick Park on Thursday. “We are united by the profound and powerful fact that we are all Greenpointers. Let this not be a division of the spirit, but a division of the map, if only to welcome more constituents to its borders.”

According to the Office of the Mayor, the deal was finagled to extract additional concessions from developers, who agreed to squeeze in “like, nine more” affordable units in exchange for the right to operate beneath an increasingly exclusive veneer in Brooklyn’s competitive real estate market.

The talks came as part of the larger rezoning effort that’s central to de Blasio’s affordable housing plan. His Mandatory Inclusionary Housing zoning change would write a certain proportion of permanently affordable housing into the requirements for new construction.

“Let us not forget what our Founding Fathers said,” added de Blasio. “That in order to form a more brunchable union, we must continually rebrand, and rebrand that rebrand.”

At press time, a group of dissidents had already formed an anti-disunionist movement to protest the changes. Known as “No Thanks, NoGre,” the coalition has already drafted a petition calling on the City of New York to reverse the move.

“The people have spoken, and the people are ogre this shit,” read the opening statement.

A source close to the deal told Greenpointers that one developer is in talks with the city to add an ostentatious 86-story tower to the Greenpoint Landing project, which had previously capped out at 42 stories tall.

“It’s going to be just the best, most tremendous tower,” said the source, who asked to not be identified as he gesticulated wildly with his stubby fingers. “People are saying that. I’m not saying it — people are.”