Best Places in Greenpoint to Experience Various Stages of a Breakup

Not that I have personal experience….

Best Place to Quietly Sob Without Making a Scene: Newtown Creek Nature Walk
Nature can be therapeutic, but tears can feel even sadder amongst the frolicking children and happy couples in Greenpoint’s better-known parks. For now, it’s best to stick with the Newtown Creek Nature Walk, where you can sit in privacy on the concrete and cry among the rotten sewage like a lonely swamp beast. There’s something so poignant about the little clusters of plant-life flourishing in spite of such bleak conditions, if only your love had been strong like those plants. When you’re all cried out, stop at Eastern District to buy some beer and pickles for the walk home, because where has dignity ever gotten you anyway?

Best Place to Eat and Drink Your Sorrow Away: Bar Matchless
Living well is the best revenge, but you’re not there yet. Right now you need to numb your senses with cheap drinks, dim lighting, and ear-crushing music. Eat 50 cent wings and let the cholesterol build up in your heart like a fortress. Make sure to go on a Wednesday night so you can partake in Parking Lot Metal Karaoke—regardless of your musical tastes, this is a rare opportunity to shout hateful things in a socially acceptable manner.

Best Place to Heal Your Soul and Get Revenge-Hot: Awakening NY
After weeks of crying and shamelessly exploiting twofer deals, you can add “looking and feeling like a troll” to your list of troubles. At this one-stop “urban sanctuary” you can choose from all kinds of healing massages, order a cleansing juice called the Superhero, and dance yourself back into shape with ZUMBA classes.

Best Place to Do Something Awesome for Instagram-Bragging: Hollywood Stunts NYC
Now that you’re feeling all strong and empowered, it’s time to channel that energy toward the greater good, i.e., learn a fancy new skill to impress your peers. Did you know that Greenpoint has a studio where you can train to be a professional stunt performer? In addition to trampoline-work and “window penetration,” they’ll teach you the correct way to fall, which is just about the perfect metaphor for your recovering heart.

Best Place to Meet New People or Hang Out with Some Awesome Wolf-Dogs: Greenpoint Gallery
Talking to new people after rejection can be pretty terrifying, so you should arm yourself with liquid courage and something interesting to discuss. At Greenpoint Gallery you can grab a drink and surround yourself with art in all forms. Just ask the (wo)man next to you about the painting you’re both looking at, and BOOM, you’re talking with a real live person. If your conversations aren’t going well, there are a bunch of beautiful white wolf-dogs casually roaming through the gallery and they’re totally down to hang out. So, it’s pretty much win/win.

Best Place for Your Next (Last?) First Date
I haven’t been on a date in months. I mean, HAHAhahahaha, Whaaaaat? LOL JK BRB [crying]. Just stick with Yana’s suggestions. Or you can just sing along with Celine.

About Suzie Z

Suzie Z. loves living in Greenpoint so much that she’s willing to take four trains work every morning. Alternatively, it could be that she just hates efficiency. Suzie is an enthusiast of vintage fashion, coffee shops, and bookstores. Oh, and whiskey.

1 Comment

  1. Nick says:

    That was really funny! And educational!

    Reply

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *